Kerri's Story

I remember at age 8, looking up at the cloudy gray sky thinking. I just want to die. At age 18, upon graduation from High School and being tired all the time, and over eating. I gained 25 lbs. Then at age 20, what I can the “big whammy” take hold of my life. I read scriptures and prayed to total excel; God was integrated in every single aspect of my life, to a total unhealthy point. I even had to watch every bite I ate; three bites of those two bites of this. How far I should run…2 or 10 more yards God, tell me. On the outside I was O.K. calm, sometimes smiling and even once in a while bucking up a laugh, on the inside there was nothing but great fear—fear of people hiding in the bushes, following me into the store and stocking me at night—cameras in the room, people reading my mind. This was all a start of an important mission I had in my life. A delusion that I would be a big leader that was a call from God Himself. I only told my mother about my belief, and she insisted that I get psychiatric help. Hearing this from her totally broke me down… my reality was no longer. Then that’s when I started drinking, doing drugs and being promiscuous. After about one year of this behavior, when my roommate became concerned after seeing an empty bottle of vodka next to the couch every week, she asked me to get help. We were both going to school at the U of U and they offered counseling for $2.00 a session there. That is when my angel came. He was a therapist who saved my life. He explained to me that “feelings are not right or wrong, but they just were.” He guided me through the healing process that helped me mature just as a baby learns to crawl then walk. I learned about the concept of the inner child.

That was the kind of healing I was not used to when I was parting and cutting myself off of all emotion. This child within needed my attention and compassion for what she had been through. Life was great for a while. I experienced a joy that was indescribable—colors looked physically brighter. “Courage to Heal” was my bible. So life went on I experienced this joy for about 9 months. Depression slowly took a hold of me once more. No book or therapy could help me anymore. I struggled to keep myself and my marriage together. I started dissociating…lost track of time. Fighting with my husband the feeling of “I have to get away” overtook me. I left everything and went to California. Borderline personality disorder took over; I was a workaholic, went from relationship to relationship, staying with people. I had a fear of abandonment so I would leave them before they left me. I ended up in the hospital again. Got involved with the wrong people then experienced a healing that no therapist, meditation or book could have taught me… the law of karma. After burning my bridges, living out of my car for a few weeks, I ended up in the hospital again. I called my mom and they came and got me. One the way home from the airport a feeling came to me saying “this is your home. Make the best of it. “

I rented a studio apartment in the avenues with my social security income. It was dark and dingy done in brown and yellow colors. There was no sun coming in outside the cement window sills. I was living life by my fingernails.
I would wander everywhere. I would hitch hike and pick up hitch hikers. I had no sense of boundaries. One day I got up and went for a walk. I would wander almost out in the middle of the street hoping I would get hit by a car.

My last big bout was on July 24th. I went with a young adult ward to see the fireworks. We went on top of the roof of a large building. I went by myself to the ledge. I looked down and thought of jumping.
I began walking towards my apartment. All I could think of was Monday morning when the banks open. I planned to take out my last 35.00 and buy a gun. As I was walking I heard a voice say “Hey pretty lady, come over here.” I didn’t care what would happen but I just went over. It turned out to be a man and we began to talk on his outside porch. He invited me to come in. At the moment I walked in the door a woman without saying anything took my arm and looked me in the eyes. It was then that I broke down and began breathing heavy and crying. She took me into the bathroom and just let me cry and talk. As I spoke I could literally feel angels around me. The bathroom lit up and she took a brush and began brushing my hair and saying “It’s all good…it’s all good…it’s all good…”

An hour later I left that loving home and returned to my apartment with a new hope. A hope that it would one day be all good…

I have experienced 13 hospitalizations and been diagnosed with 10 different diagnosis, and because of therapy, medications, and NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and my support system, I am living a productive, rewarding life. I have to tell of a funny story. My last hospitalization I walked into the lounge and there sat a “rocker dude” who looked just deliriously happy. I looked at him and asked, “What do they have you on?” He looked at me and said, “Oh, they have me on clozeril and I feel goooood!” It was then that I turned to the nurse and said “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Not every medication is right for everyone but I was thankful I finally found something that helped me regain my sanity. A few years later I began working for NAMI and helping others who were suffering as I was. I am now excited about sharing my story with others in a variety of settings. I look forward to hearing from you.

My Story by Patricia Potts

Mother used to say that as a young girl I was either all the way up or all the way down!
Little did she know that even at an early age I was displaying symptoms of bipolar illness.

I was about 4 months pregnant with our fourth daughter when I was in my 20’s. My husband, Dan, came home from work one day to find no dinner and me sitting in the kitchen with our 2 daughters running around in a messy house. One had a dirty diaper, the other had hardly any clothes on. A boy in my preschool had been out of control when the parents came to pick up their children and I was embarrassed and depressed about it. When Dam asked me why everything was such a mess I replied “You’re right, I’m a horrible mother and a terrible wife, I just can’t do anything right!”

Grimacing, he went downstairs with the girls to watch T.V. so I could calm down, but I didn't calm down this time. Something snapped inside of me as I realized that no matter how hard I tried I could never make everyone happy. I could never be the “Patty Perfect” I so desperately wanted to be. All things considered, I also believed that my husband and children would be better off without me. I put on an old coat and left the house not knowing where I was going and not expecting to come back.

The first night I spent on a cot in the basement of a stranger’s house. I realized that leaving my home meant loosing my preschool, my daycare, the trust of my husband and all semblance of self-esteem. When I returned three days later I wash shaky, fearful, confused and withdrawn. I then spent the next 3 months wading through dysfunctional depression. Much of my time was spent staring at the ceiling and wishing God would take me home while my mother-in-law took over with the house and kids. There was no internet searches or support groups that I knew of but I was blessed to have a good therapist who taught me many helpful ideas. Among the most significant lessons, however, came when I attended a workshop where I learned the four stages of overcoming loss. I applied those steps (denial, acceptance, rebuilding, sharing) and was finally able to begin to functioning again. About a year after my baby was born I began teaching classes at the library and community education about HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND OVERCOME DEPRESSION.

My next relapse came when I became overly involved in trying to help others going through depression. Along with some other women I started a magazine and a network for women suffering from depression. I spent most of one night typing bylaws for our new organization. The next morning I crashed. Depression rearing its ugly head again and I got sucked in.

That morning after the older kids when to school and I got someone to watch our preschooler I wiggled into a sleeping bag, and crawled beneath the kitchen then called a suicide hotline. I was livid when I got an answering machine! Fortunately, when I tried a different number and I was able to talk to a woman who listened to my plight and suggested that I get to a psychiatrist. Her encouragement together with that of a friend led me to make an appointment.

The day before I went to see the psychiatrist I asked a dozen friends to pray for me at 11 while I was meeting with him. I didn’t want to be one of those people who had to try multiple meds to find something that worked. That day I was put on a medication that has worked for me for over 20 years (that is when I take it and use other tools of recovery.) I went through a few more relapses while I learned that, although exercise, cognitive therapy, herbs and the other ideas, I truly did need to stay on my meds.

My life today is far different than it was during my relapse days. Although I have my bad days, I have learned that with the help of medication, recovery tools and the example of others who are successfully living with mental illness I am able to stay in recovery and help others do the same.

My husband and I now have 5 children and 7 grandchildren. In moderation I also enjoy writing (I’ve written 2 book to help people with bipolar), speaking, teaching guitar and singing. I find life both challenging and fulfilling. It has been said "Trouble makes us one with every human being in the world." As we face our troubles together as individuals blessed with bipolar may we find the positives in our illness and learn to harness it so we can be better people. If I can be of help to you please let me know. - Patricia
patriciapotts.com

Just What the Doctor Ordered

A week or two ago I was sick. My head hurt, my ears hurt and my throat hurt. In fact, I hurt period. After a few days I went to the Doctors and was diagnosed with strep throat. I felt falidated and spent the next few days moaning, groaning and sleeping. After that I tried to get up and act normal but my left ear still hurt. Finally I called the doctor and got a stronger perscription. This time I had a hard time giving myself permission to moan, groan and sleep. Afterall, shouldn't I be better? Hadn't I already dried up my family's sympathy bank?

I soon found my family continued to support me as I gave myself permission to nurture myself. Fortunately I am now doing much better but this experience gave me a chance to reflect on how often I don't give myself permission to "go with the flow". Permission to sleep when I need to sleep and have quiet time when I need to, as the scriptures counsel, to "be still and know that I am God."

Whether I am recovering from a physical ailment or a mental or emotional one I hope I remember that there are times when moaning, groaning and sleeping are just what the Doctor ordered.

Mission Statement for PEACE IN A NEW DAY

The worth of a soul is incomprenensible. Through our own personl journeys, the PAK (Patricia, Angie and Kerri) team will seek to emulate and help others restore personal balance, give hope, educate, inspire, eliminate stigma, empower and help others live a rich personal/private life. We want to promote committment to living a life that is true to our own selves and individual and collective paths.

Angie Lewis' Bio

Angie Lewis is a psych R.N. and has spent the last 5 years using her own experience and schooling as she voulenteers and works with others who suffer from mental illness. Angie is a sought-after speaker who can "talk-turkey" withte best psychiatrists, yet relate to the most despondent patient. Angie uses a Power Point presentation to help illistrate the physical effects on the brain during mental illness. She skillfully helps bring her audience to action, with understanding and compassion.

Kerri Ernsten's Bio

Kerri Ernsten works for NAMI (National Alliance for Mentally Ill) http://www.nami.org/. She has been helping people in chrisis for seven years. She has been hospitalized for depression yet through the lessons she learned and with the medication she now takes she lives a rich, full sife. (See VOICE OF HOPE: www.patriciapotts.com/Vids.html.) Kerri takes great satisfaction in helping those who are in the middle-of-the-muddle find their way out.

Patricia Potts' Bio

Patricia Potts is a seasoned speaker and writer. She is the author of My Journey from Darkness to Light and First-Aid for Feelings. She shares her first-hand experiences and passes on the secrets of learning to recover one step at a time, one idea at a time. Her desire to share what she learned has led to to speak and sing her message for many groups including: Utah State Prison, BTU Especially for Youth, numerous clubs, church groups and community associations. She has also served as a facilitator for 13-step groups and as a Detox Tech and the Center for Women and children for 3 years. You can learn more about Patricia and her books at http://www.patriciapotts.com/. Contact her at: patripotts@mstarmetro.net or 8018793427