Kerri's Story

I remember at age 8, looking up at the cloudy gray sky thinking. I just want to die. At age 18, upon graduation from High School and being tired all the time, and over eating. I gained 25 lbs. Then at age 20, what I can the “big whammy” take hold of my life. I read scriptures and prayed to total excel; God was integrated in every single aspect of my life, to a total unhealthy point. I even had to watch every bite I ate; three bites of those two bites of this. How far I should run…2 or 10 more yards God, tell me. On the outside I was O.K. calm, sometimes smiling and even once in a while bucking up a laugh, on the inside there was nothing but great fear—fear of people hiding in the bushes, following me into the store and stocking me at night—cameras in the room, people reading my mind. This was all a start of an important mission I had in my life. A delusion that I would be a big leader that was a call from God Himself. I only told my mother about my belief, and she insisted that I get psychiatric help. Hearing this from her totally broke me down… my reality was no longer. Then that’s when I started drinking, doing drugs and being promiscuous. After about one year of this behavior, when my roommate became concerned after seeing an empty bottle of vodka next to the couch every week, she asked me to get help. We were both going to school at the U of U and they offered counseling for $2.00 a session there. That is when my angel came. He was a therapist who saved my life. He explained to me that “feelings are not right or wrong, but they just were.” He guided me through the healing process that helped me mature just as a baby learns to crawl then walk. I learned about the concept of the inner child.

That was the kind of healing I was not used to when I was parting and cutting myself off of all emotion. This child within needed my attention and compassion for what she had been through. Life was great for a while. I experienced a joy that was indescribable—colors looked physically brighter. “Courage to Heal” was my bible. So life went on I experienced this joy for about 9 months. Depression slowly took a hold of me once more. No book or therapy could help me anymore. I struggled to keep myself and my marriage together. I started dissociating…lost track of time. Fighting with my husband the feeling of “I have to get away” overtook me. I left everything and went to California. Borderline personality disorder took over; I was a workaholic, went from relationship to relationship, staying with people. I had a fear of abandonment so I would leave them before they left me. I ended up in the hospital again. Got involved with the wrong people then experienced a healing that no therapist, meditation or book could have taught me… the law of karma. After burning my bridges, living out of my car for a few weeks, I ended up in the hospital again. I called my mom and they came and got me. One the way home from the airport a feeling came to me saying “this is your home. Make the best of it. “

I rented a studio apartment in the avenues with my social security income. It was dark and dingy done in brown and yellow colors. There was no sun coming in outside the cement window sills. I was living life by my fingernails.
I would wander everywhere. I would hitch hike and pick up hitch hikers. I had no sense of boundaries. One day I got up and went for a walk. I would wander almost out in the middle of the street hoping I would get hit by a car.

My last big bout was on July 24th. I went with a young adult ward to see the fireworks. We went on top of the roof of a large building. I went by myself to the ledge. I looked down and thought of jumping.
I began walking towards my apartment. All I could think of was Monday morning when the banks open. I planned to take out my last 35.00 and buy a gun. As I was walking I heard a voice say “Hey pretty lady, come over here.” I didn’t care what would happen but I just went over. It turned out to be a man and we began to talk on his outside porch. He invited me to come in. At the moment I walked in the door a woman without saying anything took my arm and looked me in the eyes. It was then that I broke down and began breathing heavy and crying. She took me into the bathroom and just let me cry and talk. As I spoke I could literally feel angels around me. The bathroom lit up and she took a brush and began brushing my hair and saying “It’s all good…it’s all good…it’s all good…”

An hour later I left that loving home and returned to my apartment with a new hope. A hope that it would one day be all good…

I have experienced 13 hospitalizations and been diagnosed with 10 different diagnosis, and because of therapy, medications, and NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and my support system, I am living a productive, rewarding life. I have to tell of a funny story. My last hospitalization I walked into the lounge and there sat a “rocker dude” who looked just deliriously happy. I looked at him and asked, “What do they have you on?” He looked at me and said, “Oh, they have me on clozeril and I feel goooood!” It was then that I turned to the nurse and said “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Not every medication is right for everyone but I was thankful I finally found something that helped me regain my sanity. A few years later I began working for NAMI and helping others who were suffering as I was. I am now excited about sharing my story with others in a variety of settings. I look forward to hearing from you.